


Leaving, Leaving, Left.

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit Sanders Angst, Depressed Deceit Sanders, M/M, Self-Harm, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:41:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23934754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Virgil started hanging out with he Light Sides, until he left, and joined them.Remus starts hanging out with the Light Sides.Deceit tries to leave, not to the Light Sides, but by killing himself.[Written before he revealed his name, he goes by Deceit in this.]
Comments: 21
Kudos: 215





	Leaving, Leaving, Left.

Deceit knew, he knew Remus would leave him. Virgil left him. Why would anyone want to be around him? That didn't make it less painful when Remus started to spend more and more time with the Light Sides, just like Virgil did. It happened once, Deceit knew what to expect. But knowing what's going to happen doesn't make it less hurtful.

"Hey Double D, I'm gonna hang out with Roman today! D'you think we could make up? Maybe we could be King again.."Remus said, walking away from his seat, going to play with Roman. Going to leave, going to turn and never look back, going to be accepted by the Lights, going to hate Deceit.

Deceit would be alone. "Yeah.. I think he'd be more than happy to be King with you. Good luck." Deceit said, giving a small smile, tears threatening to spill from his human eye. 

Remus nodded, excited, and not noticing the way Deceit's voice shook. Deceit was a good actor -a liar- but now, as Remus leaves for what might be the last time, he can't bring himself to care; to try. The door to the Dark Sides slammed shut ~~,for the last time.~~ He knew, that could possibly be the last time he ever saw Remus as a Dark Side. 

It hurt. It hurt more than breaking an arm or a leg, more than being punched or kicked, it hurt almost as much as the razor dragging through his skin. The razor he had grown to love, almost as much as he loved Virgil. The feeling that hurting himself gives him- that he loves, almost as much as he loves ~~loved~~ Remus. It hurt, Deceit hurt. 

All the nights. All the nights he spent crying, wondering when Remus would leave. All the nights he spent marking up his skin, sometimes carving the name 'Virgil' and listing the reasons he left, what he could've done wrong, what else he could've done to make him stay, to make him happy. All then nights he spent clinging onto a pillow with Virgil's jacket on it, sobbing into the pillow. All the nights he spent trying to recreate Remus' mace, so he'd have something to remember Remus once he left, because he knew it would happen.

That's why he tried to keep Remus away from Thomas, because he knew the second Remus popped up and got to talking with his brother, he'd leave Deceit. Because Deceit knew how bad Patton felt for making them split. 

Deceit wanted to cry, he wished he did, but when he tried he found himself unable to. He could only stare at the door. He needed to cut, maybe that'd make him feel better. Getting up and walking to his room, he started to unhinge his cloak, and unbutton his shirt.

Opening his door, he saw his razor -seemingly waiting for him- on his bed. Next to Virgil's old jacket and a copy of Remus's mace. 

He sat down on his bed. _How fucking stupid could I be, of course he'd leave, they'd leave, why am I surprised, I'm bad, the bad guy, the villian. I'm nothing, I won't ever be anything, I could only imagine being a Light Side- being with Virgil, with Remus- being with my old famILY.._

Blood ran out of his cuts, they were deep and fairly large, but not the bloodiest he's done. It stung, Deceit hissed out in pain. He was used to it though. He continued to slice at his arms, before moving towards his thighs, then his legs. _Not enough, never enough, not yet, I just want to die but I can't, I wish I could, but I can't, it sucks, I suck, I want help, I need it, but I don't, no one would help me, no one would care, I don't even care and I'm me, I hate myself, they hate me, they left me, the Lights never liked me anyway, no matter how much I cut, it won't be enough, it won't be enough to change their minds or make them like me or tolerate me, if I could change their minds I would, I would, I'd do it, anything to make me worthy, for them, for Virgil, for Remus.. but I'm not and I'll never be._

It wasn't enough, so Deceit started cutting his stomach. There was already blood everywhere, what could a little more do? He wanted more. More blood, more control, more pain to distract himself, he needed more. He felt he'd pass out, so he kept going. _If I'm going to go unconscious, might as well go out strong, right?_

Virgil had always said that. Not the going unconscious thing, but "if I'm gonna die, I'mma go out with a bang." Well, that stopped as soon as he started visiting the Lights. A lot of things stopped then.

His consciousness was slipping, much like one of the songs the Dark Sides used to listen to, 'your disguise is slipping, I think you're slipping..... Society is slipping, everything's slipping..' Deceit started to softly sing the words to the song. "Go ahead, r-run away, say it wa-was horrible. Spread the word, tell a f-friend- tell them t-the tale..." He couldn't feel the pain of his cuts anymore, he couldn't keep his eyes open. He should've felt fear, felt something. 

Yet, he didn't. He could be dying -he could only wish, sides can't die- and he was more than content with it. He could hear his ragged breath, and.. wait. He hears something else. Faintly, it's a voice? No.. more than one. Several voices. 

People -sides?- were here. Deceit figured that Remus brought the Light Sides over. _Well,_ Deceit thought, before he lost his consciousness, _I'm fucked._

Then it was black.

Warm, it was warm. He felt himself getting lifted off the ground. He knew, he was being held by someone. Someone, who he knew, he could remember, someone who used to hold him. Remus, he remembers. Remus was holding him, his near lifeless body.

He wasn't going to survive and he knew that Remus knew. Cradled, he was being slowly rocked back and forth by Remus. 

He faintly wished he could've at least told them, or anyone, his name. He would never get to hear "Janus." from anyone, from them, from him. He wasn't okay with that, but he had no choice but to be, he was dying. Dying in his crushs' arms. How.. strange. How pathetic, heh, here he was, dying. And he knew, even if his brain couldn't keep up, that at least one other person in the room, watching him die.

Maybe they are overjoyed that he's dying, maybe they are calling for help, wait no. Someone else was touching him, he realized. He wasn't familiar with the touch. Which isn't saying much, the only people who touched him were Virgil and Remus. Maybe it's Logan, trying to save him? Doubtful, still, the fact that he could still think and process things around him, meant he wasn't gone yet.

Yet being the keyword. He was going to die, he was sure if it. But he is- was?- Deceit, and Deceit means lying, so is he lying to himself? No, he was dying, he could feel it.

Just like he could feel the pressure on his body, as if someone was trying to stop the flow of blood. As if someone cared. Which, they didnt, they couldn't, he was bad, evil, villianous. He was still alive. He didnt like that fact, or was it a fact? He didn't know what happened when a side dies, maybe they could still feel, and hear.

Hear, he could hear again. Why? He was supposed to be dying.. wasn't he? Whatever, it didn't matter, he'd deal with it when and if he woke up, right now he was going to force himself unconscious so he would stop and just die already. Or at least.. make everything quiet, so he wouldn't have to hear the panic in Virgil's voice as he tried desperately to wake the snake side. 

_**"DE! DECEIT! WAKE UP, DONT DIE, PLEASE, PLEASE DONT LEAVE!"** _

Or the sound of Remus sobbing, trying to hold on to Deceit, as Logan did his best to patch him up.

"DeDe.. please stay... Don't die, please, you can't die, not like this!.. you're not supposed to be able to die!" 

It hurt, hurting them, knowing he's hurting them, but it'll be okay. It'll turn out okay for them. Not for him, but that's okay. 

He fell asleep.

He woke up. He wasn't dead, no, he was very alive. And in pain. He heard someone, a surprised voice. "He's up! He's awake, oh my god! De, Deceit, can you hear me?!" It was Virgil, why was he here? If anything, Remus would be here.

"Double Dee! You're alive!" Oh, Remus was here. That made him feel a little better, and really guilty. He tried to move. "No, don't move. You need to heal." Logan was here now, he had walked in when Virgil yelled. Patton came in, his voice sounded like he'd been crying. "Kiddo!" 

He opened his eyes. There was a lot to take in, Remus was holding one if his hands, Virgil was holding the other. They both looked like they hadn't slept, and they'd been doing nothing but crying.

Logan was standing next to Remus, with medical things in his hands, who also looked as if he'd been crying. Patton was next to Virgil, he was crying, his hair was messed up, and the bags under his eyes almost rivaled Virgil's normal eyeshadow.

"..s...orry.." Deceit managed to say, gripping onto Virgil's and Remus' hands. "I love you so much, De, please don't ever do that again." Remus said, voice shacking. "Yeah, I love you too, I'm so sorry I didn't show it before, and I'm sorry I left, and I shouldn't have done it, I'm sorry-" Virgil was cut off by Logan. "Let him rest, he'll need it. We can talk later. As of now, I need to check up on his wounds." 

Patton looked like he wanted to say something, but was crying and therefore couldn't. "Later, w-we'll talk.. kiddo.." He said through his tears. 

Later, they'd talk later. And maybe later, much much later, he'd be okay. Maybe.

Not.


End file.
